A History Lesson: Ulysses S. Grant

Ulysses S. Grant

For thirty three years, Ulysses S. Grant was unable to get an erection. Yes, that’s right. The 18th President of the United States, decorated war hero couldn’t pop a chub to save his life.

Now you may be thinking, which thirty three years are these? His first? His last? Which seems more likely? Sure the first 13 years or so it can’t be that surprising. But the next twenty? Was he just a late bloomer? I’ve heard of late blooming but damn, c’mon now.


No, it was not his first 33 years. So his last. Well, how old was he when he died? 63. So now we are operating under the assumption that this nigga did not have even a partial woody from age 30 on? Hmm…yeah I guess I can see that. A lot of guys experience problems with erectile dysfunction starting in their thirties and from then on. So, it’s settled, after age 30, USG couldn’t get erect.

Wrong. You weren’t paying attention. I said that for 33 years that big bearded bastard couldn’t get a stiffy, I did NOT say they were consecutive years, did I? Nope. So fuck off with that age 30-63 bullshit. I’ll tell you how it was and I won’t hold back any of the bloody details. I mean that in both the literal way and the British way.

It was a pretty well known fact back in the day that our boy USG was born with a massive raging four inch ram rod. Four inches you say? That’s all you say? My grandma has a bigger dick than that you say. Helllllllooooooo. He was not even a day old! Four fappin inches? That’s incredible. What’s more incredible is that he kept that pole vault hard as steel for the first full year of his life. Yep. Right until his 1st birthday when he blew out the candle on his cow pie. And just like that, the first boy scout took down his tent and went home from camp.

The boner may have been gone but it was not forgotton. Oh not by a long shot. You best believe that word gets around in a small, small town and folks were talking. Ulysses was the most popular boy at the daycare and had no less than three blowjob offers a week. He turned down all but one. But we’ll get to that later.

His father had quickly become a local hero, was voted town mayor even though he never ran and never paid a dime of his own money to drink in the local tavern again. His mother on the other hand had difficulties in accepting her sons condition and sought to find a cure for his permerect state. She spent much of the year taking young Ulysses to doctors and healers across the midwest just hoping to quell this boy’s persisting tromboner. But to no avail.

Then his first birthday came, and with that blowing of the candle, the erection was gone. Mr. Grant cried for the first time in his life, and his wife rejoiced. Her boy was finally free from his curse. Ulysses father was enraged and blamed his wife for using voodoo on his boy and probably ruining his throb button for lifeskies. He punched her once a minute for the next 8 years just to remind her that he wasn’t impressed.

Rumors ran rampant amongst the townfolk for several months. Was it voodoo? Was it modern medicine? What cured young the young Grant boy of his 12 month boner? No one knew. And what’s more, after a few months, no one cared. Right about the time that Georgia Middlesat birthed a daughter who was half white, and the other half white. Huh? Oh I forgot to mention, Georgia Middlesat was the first woman to marry a black man in Ohio. So unlike all the other women giving birth to half black, half white kids cuz they were banging slaves or gettin banged by their asshole slave masters, this chick married a free black man and then cheated on him. With a slave owner none the less. Attention whore.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, nobody cared about Ulysses anymore, including his parents. His dad treated him like a leper, what good is a baby if he doesnt have a four inch cock? And his mother couldn’t look at him anymore (mainly cuz her eyes were swollen shut from the whole punch per minute thing I told you about). So a four year old Ulysses wrapped himself up in his blankie, packed his kangaroo pouch (yeah, he has one of those) grabbed his favorite rusty bicycle wheel and made off into the sunset.

As he neared the sun, Ulysses felt the skin on his face starting to melt and decided to turn back. That’s when it happened. Wayooooo it’s me again ba-ba-ba boooooooooner! Ulysses was sooooo turned on that he just had to start wacking that meat stick. And he did…. ohhhh he did. He had no idea what he was doing but he knew it felt right. How did he do it? Great question thanks for asking. Well first he just kind of patted his crotch. Sort of pawing at it like a cat might.

Then he put both hands on it, flat handed and rubbed it like he was trying to start a fire. Which, he did, briefly by the way. That’s how he got that inch and a half 3rd degree burn scar that looks like the communist state of Florida. The more you know. Anyway, he did that for a bit, then rubbed it out with some peanut butter that he got from his new adaptive father George Washington Carver. You think I misspelled adoptive? Nope, I meant adaptive. George Washington Carver was more adaptable than anyone else at the time. In fact, he was the first transformer. And the second one too.

So Ulysses was living with GWash for a bit while he was getting his head right, trying to plan his next move. But as I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, it’s easy to get complacent when you’re living with a dude who makes hundreds of different things out of peanut butter. I bet every time USG packed his bag, GWash invented a new PB product just to keep him around a bit longer, he was a very lonely man. So pretty much USG hung around and played with George Washington Carver and his nuts from age 4 until 16, fully erect the whole time.

Late one night when USG was out in the peanut fields doing a little fertilization, a chicken legged dude wearing a top hat strolled by. USG was soooo turned on by those stilts this man called legs that he, for the first time in his life, ejacked. He spermed all over Mr. Carver’s nuts and realized it was time to bounce before Georgie found out and decided to make 100 products out of Ulysses’ asshole.

So he followed that lanky human fuck stick and they quickly became friends. In case you hadn’t guessed, that bearded beauty was good old Abraham Lincoln, part time carpenter, full time laxative. (ok I dont even get what thats supposed to mean) It was then and there on that fateful night that they decided to work together to tear the nation apart, no matter what it took. Even if it meant ending slavery. This moment was known as Linc’s Awakening. Or it should be anyway.

Flash forward a few years, Grant is now 35 and his dick has been off and on hard bringing his total erexperience to a whopping 22 years. The Civil War has just started which gives Ulysses the hardest erection of his life. This is what he and Lincoln have been waiting for. It’s almost as though the blood spilled on the battlefields was collected and pumped directly into his dick.

So that’s another five years of boner. And yes, Five Years of Boner was the prequel to Seven Years in Tibet. Then in 1865, on that fateful April 14th, yeah I said it cuz it’s my birthday so what? You still wear v-necks so shut the fuck up. On that fateful day, USG blew a five year load into the back of President Lincoln’s head, killing him instantly…the next morning. And yes, Five Year Load is the prequel to the Five Year Engagement.

Grant was pretty shaken by the sperm homicide, spermicide if you will, of his best friend and didn’t achieve another erection until the age of 60. Even when he himself became the leader of the free world, his dick remained flaccid. Then one glorious evening while he was watching The Simpsons, he felt that familiar tingle in the tip of his weiner. And as a smile crept across that beard…he felt his vein tube slowly swell.

But something was wrong with this erection. It never stopped growing. His penis slowly swelled and swelled over the course of the next three years, never stopping for air until it was the size of a small elongated dog. That’s where the term weiner dog comes from. Ulysses went to his family doctor to figure out how to stop the swelling but the doctor had never seen this before and misdiagnosed it as the common cold. It was a mistake that led Grant to his untimely death at age 63. That’s where the term boner, meaning mistake, was first applied to an erect penis. Yeah I said it, Ulysses S. Grant’s dick coined the terms weiner dog and boner. It’s canon.