ever farted? cleared a room because you couldn’t keep your damn ass cheeks closed? that’s what I thought. have humans always been cursed with the gift of the ass tuba? probably. but can we stop it? gwen Stefani (no doubt).

here are some ways we could probably stop a fart.

1. put a tampon in your butt when you feel the urge to let one rip. or wear it all day for all I care.

2. try farting out of your mouth. that’s right. when you feel your tummy starting to swell with that ass gas, try burping it out. try exhaling for an extended period of time. try anything you can to not let it come out of your rear.

3. butt suck it back up. if you start to let it squeak out, then flip that lever to from blow to suck and get it back in. it worked on spaceballs when they were taking the earth’s oxygen.

4. mind over matter. think really hard about something and it’ll happen. so think to yourself, hey man, don’t fart and then boom. there you are, not farting.

5. staple your butt cheeks. this was an obvi so that’s why I held off til number 5.

6. put other stuff besides a tampon in your butt. a remote control, a computer mouse, whatever. just plug it up.

7, get some sort of shot in your ass that will make it so you don’t fart. that probably exists right? i mean it’s 2015.

these are just some ways to stop a fart, im sure you can think of many more. and keep in mind, sometimes you just can’t keep it in, you can only hope to contain it. but that sounds like another great post, so we’ll save it for next time.

remember, every second you aren’t farting is a victory.