what your sleep position says about you

you know, the average human spends a third of their life in bed. we’re talking 8 sixties per day. that’s fifty-six hours a week. that’s probably like a few thousand hours a year. and even more than that for a lifetime. not to mention, in your later years you are probably spending those hours with someone you don’t want to be with because we all would rather be sleeping alone. one of the reasons people prefer sleeping alone is that their partners sleeping position might conflict with their own. so, what does your sleeping position say about you?

ON YOUR SIDE

studies show that 63% of folks sleep on their side. interestingly enough, 63% of that 63% are women. now, we aren’t being sexist but, come on, aren’t they really just asking to be boned? it’s easier to rape a girl than a guy because guy’s have a hard time getting an erection while asleep. sideys tend to be very open and honest people but have a tendency to keep things to themselves and bottle up their emotions. leading scientists feel like this is a direct result of the asymmetrical brain tissue regeneration afforded to side sleepers; those who sleep on their right side tend to have stronger left-brain tendencies because the left brain is top and no one’s on top of it; the opposite holds true for left-side sleepers.

ON YOUR BACK

the most logical position yet less than 10 people sleep this way per minute. the only drawback to this position is simply that you are more prone to snoring due to closure of the epiglottis and trachea, though the sleepers themselves are usually unaware of this problem until they are informed as such by another individual, probably sleeping in another shittier position. sorry I run hot and I don’t want to snuggle.

ON YOUR STOMACH

you know who you are. how do you not suffocate? I mean seriously. I almost want to do it myself. the neck pains, hernias and gonorrhea can all be attributed to this bizarre sleep position. try counting the stars while you’re (eye) balls deep in your pillow. now concentrate…and die.

THE RAT

these people can sleep through any filth and grime. highly adaptable and very well mannered. they also don’t seem to care if you try to wake them from their slumber. sure, it was perfectly acceptable to sleep in your own shit when you were a baby, but these dirty dirtbags are what’s wrong with society. seeing an individual sleep so comfortably in such awkward positions really tightens my tuna. you must have grown up on a chicken farm because you really know how to raise cock.

UPSIDE DOWN

just don’t.

THE TONGA

don’t these people sleep with their eyes open? they are usually sleeping in a chair with their eyes open. according to Smith & Colleagues (1999), Tonga is a country. this is your typical war vet grandpa who simply refuses to die.

THE BALLS OUT

maybe you’re a cheap-ass who won’t spring for a/c; maybe you live in a tropical climate with enough humidity to give Gene Keady an afro; either way you need to air out those stanky sperm sacks on the reg.

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